


Grinderman's Epic Adventures

by stygianzinogre



Category: ARK: Survival Evolved
Genre: Dinosaurs, Drowning, Gen, Megalodon, Mustache, Original Character(s), Ragnarok, Swearing, Video Game, artistic pursuits in the ark, parasaur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 22:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19839547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stygianzinogre/pseuds/stygianzinogre
Summary: He laid in bed waiting for his luxurious hair and mustache to grow, and for inspiration to strike.





	Grinderman's Epic Adventures

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever story (fanfic of the century material)

It was a fine sunny evening at Vikings Bay. A cool breeze wafted luxuriously through the area and ruffled Grinderman’s obviously receding, greasy, raven black mullet. It sat(rather almost falling off) atop his giant forehead. He scratched his nonexistent chin. He also had a complete and utter abomination of a mustache that was, according to some people “Fucking sexy”.

“What should this song be about..”? He thought to himself. He was certainly on his way to writing the most masterful work that Ragnarok would ever see. 

“Love letter, love letter, go get her, go get her..yeah, yeah i like that. Brilliant.-” Suddently he was interrupted by clanging and banging on the roof.

“Damn it Rufus, I'm working on a vital project”! He drawled out with an awful, scratchy, annoying, dopey voice and accent.

“We're talking album of the century”!

Rather, the only album of the century.

Rufus, his one and only tribemate, was sweating profusely from working all day to fix the leaky thatch roof and replace it with the slightly more sturdy material of wood.

Grinderman worked by torchlight. It provided a touching and romantic atmosphere, it really set the mood he adamantly told Rufus numerous times. BUT. Goddamn Rufus and his GODDAMN dinos, the cacophony of various cackles, neighs, chirps, and their shitting everywhere. And that was nothing to say of the calls coming from the nearby thick jungles just beyond the relative safety of the beach’s hills. And last but not least Rufus’ “work” or so he called it, obviously he was just jealous of Grinderman's genius and was setting out to thwart him by any means necessary.

“ He could be plotting my murder right now for all I know”, Grinderman thought to himself. Rufus was already culprit to many violent tendencies in the past towards him.

He determined that he’d take the (Rufus built) raft and sail down the beach a ways, or perhaps to a lone island where he could work with some peace and quiet. The raft was simple, but he set up a torch, and a chest where he could safely store his parchment notes of lyrics.

A couple hours passed (incredibly productive ones if Grinderman had anything to say about it) but the sun was setting, the light was fading, and Grinderman’s stomach was a- rumblin’. So he made his incredibly uneventful sail back to his hut. He didn't even get lost this time.

He firstly made a beeline for the campfire to grab some steaks that he knew Rufus had prepared. After all, his tribemate had to be good for something at least, and this was the bare minimum.

Chomping disgustingly on nasty gristle steak, he almost choked to death when he looked ahead. His raft was already zooming far out to sea, with what looked like no intention of stopping. It looked pretty much like a ghost was driving off with his precious cargo! His lyric drafts were still in the chest!

Rufus was probably asleep by now, so Grinderman forced him awake and explained his dilemma. 

“The album of the century was on that raft!” Honestly, Rufus was just annoyed that the raft he had put his work into was missing. G-man’s story didn't seem too ridiculous considering some of the complete bullshit he'd experienced in the Ark already (he thinks back to the numerous times he’d murdered Grinderman for sport and had seen him instantly transmogrify into a gelatinous substance stretched and wiggling a thousand points across the ark, spastically ragdolling as if possessed by some unknown spirit). He figured it couldn't have gone too far.

“Okay, let’s swim out, maybe we can find it.”

Twenty minutes later, two men- one ridiculously pale, lanky, chicken-chested, scrawny, and greasy (but with a luxurious trucker stache), the other a bronzed god and a beast among...well, TWO men, swam out to sea on the backs of two blindingly inefficient parasaurs.

“I think I see it” G-man called to Rufus.

“You said that a couple minutes ago you dump of Bronto shit” Tiredly maintained Rufus.

“The parasaurs are gonna run out of stamina and drown soon, so I’m turning back”

He turned around but Grinderman kept on.

“Idiot” thought Rufus.

Not much long after he heard screaming and he quickly looked back to see a lone parasaur, a sinking Grinderman, and some megalodon fins.

Rufus whistled and signalled for the parasaur that was once carrying Grinderman to follow him instead.

Soon he made it back to shore safely, with both parasaurs in tow. He looked to sea and noticed a bright green light shining up from the spot that Grinderman once was and he chuckled to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on true events


End file.
